Nobody Knows

Sun been down for days
A pretty flower in a vase
A slipper by the fireplace
A cello lying in its case

Soon she's down the stairs
Her morning elegance she wears
The sound of water makes her dream
Awoken by a cloud of steam
She pours a daydream in a cup
A spoon of sugar sweetens up

And she fights for her life as she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain as it pours
And she fights for her life as she goes in a store
With a thought she has caught by a thread
she pays for the bread and she goes
Nobody knows

Sun been down for days
A winter melody she plays
The thunder makes her contemplate
She hears a noise behind the gate
Perhaps a letter with a dove
Perhaps a stranger she could love

And she fights for her life as she puts on her coat
And she fights for her life on the train
She looks at the rain as it pours
And she fights for her life as she goes in a store
Where the people are pleasantly strange
And counting the change as she goes
Nobody knows

I love this song so, so very much. It's beautiful and bittersweet and yet strangely hopeful all the same. Contemplative and quirky. Upbeat. The stop-motion music video adds yet another layer of beauty to the art. The lyrics are (I think) purposefully vague about the woman's exact circumstances: is she suffering from depression? Loneliness? Cancer? Grief? The simple wear and tear of life? Nobody knows -- and yet, maybe, we all share a little bit of that fight inside. We all recall a variation of that winter melody, distorted even so from time, and understand.

Of course, most of the time we ignore our shared human  experiences...

...but I like to think that when it really matters, we're able to remove those self-imposed mirrors and look appreciatively through the eyes of another. See their pain and their joy, their color-tainted perspective and evolving views, and really know them. Want to know them better. Appreciate the loving care that went into shaping them and continues to shape them. Because no human is ever remotely the same. No human is ordinary. C. S. Lewis expresses this far better than I can:

"There are no ordinary people. You have never talked to a mere mortal. Nations, cultures, arts, civilizations -- these are mortal, and their life is to ours as the life of a gnat. But it is immortals whom we joke with, work with, marry, snub, and exploit -- immortal horrors or everlasting splendors."

Backtracking a bit... This reminds me of a song by mewithoutyou.

A cat came drifting onto a porch from the outside cold
And with eyes closed, drinking warm milk from my bowl,
Thought:
"Nobody hears me (nobody hears me)
As I crept in so soft!
And nobody sees me (nobody sees me)"
As I watched six steps off
Like the peacocks wandering the walkways of the zoo
Who have twice the autonomy the giraffes and tigers do
Saying:
"No one can stop me (no one stop me)
No one clips my claws
now everyone watches me (everyone watches me)
Scale these outside walls!"
Oh, you pious and profane,
Put away your praise and blame,
A glass can only spill what it contains
To the perpetually plain and the incurably inane:
A glass can only spill what it contains!

That's not all of the song... there's another really awesome bit that say 'we're like children dressing in our parent's clothes' and a whole verse that talks about questioning the Unquestionable, who "makes no reply". (The song as a whole reminds me of Til We Have Faces.) But I only listed the relevant parts.

I pity that cat in particular. Something about him hurts... His proudly proclaimed independence contrasts bitterly against his utter dependence on the narrator. Not to mention his self-imposed blindness to the truth, his adamance that no one knows, that his seeming longing against the loneliness. He wants to be independent and yet he wants to belong. I don't know... maybe I'm reading too much into him. Maybe I identify with him too strongly. But every time I read that poem (and I do consider it more of a spoken poem than written lyrics), I desperately want to hug that cat and take it home with me. I want to see him, the real him in the glass.

My thoughts seem to be very scattered today. I'm avoiding the subject. The truth is, I'm disturbed, like most people, by the elementary school shooting this morning. (Massacre, more like.) It was a tragic loss of human life. An unforgivable crime. What kind of monster murders little kids? And yet... I can't bring myself to feel anger or even indignation against the gunman. I feel hurt, betrayed, and heartbroken, yes... But I can't bring myself to feel anything more than disappointment toward the murderer himself.

A friend of mind posted this (and I quote) on Facebook this morning: "Anyone who thinks it's okay to kill innocent children should die a very slow, morbid death themselves."

No less than 5 people 'liked' it. In all honesty, this made me just as sick as the shooting itself.

What the gunman did was undeniably wrong, deserving of the utmost punishment. And yet... he was human, just like any of us. Any single one of us could turn out just like him. And to me... the kind of thinking in that status is hypocritical. What is the difference between wishing death on another human being and carrying that wish through? The difference between thought and action, certainly... but then there still remains the desire at the core of each, and that desire is one and the same. And it's not justice that's being wished for. It's the power to decide who dies and who lives, and at what expense. It's sadism.

The saddest part is that there is no difference between the gunman and anyone else in the world. He only acted on his baser instincts. I don't mean this to be cynical. In fact, I want it to be the opposite. No one knows what their neighbor has done or might do. No one knows. But are we very much aware of the kind, selfless things anyone does either? The very same hand that takes a life might also save it. Both are entirely within our capabilities. If one tiny detail today, yesterday, twenty years ago had been changed -- today might have turned out very differently. Lives didn't have to be destroyed.

No one knows.

Do we want to know?

Fun with Synonyms!

 I haven't posted in a while, it's true. A lot of the stuff I originally published here was written during bouts of depression, and it shows. The posts were tense, agitated, terribly confused. Reading over some of them, I can see myself fumbling about in the dark, kicking against anything in hopes of determining my whereabouts. It didn't reflect the real me. Since maybe May, I've been meaning to delete this and start another blog -- a blog that doesn't reveal such a rough patch in my history -- for a long while now, but... something held me back. Maybe it's nostalgia, maybe it's that inner writer's voice that urges me to never delete anything I've written no matter how crappy said writing is, maybe I simply feel a sense of attachment to that girl who was once a frail and broken me... In any case, here I am once again in my corner of randomness. Expect to see more posts from me on a regular basis. Or don't. I suppose it doesn't matter either way.

But to get to the post. "Fun" is most likely false advertising here. But maybe you'll find my challenge fun regardless...? Anyway, I've been having some trouble figuring out a viable synonym and Bro. Google's giving me a headache. Maybe someone with an extensive vocabulary and a dislike of the utter the blandness of political correction will come along and help out..

My word is: badass. Don't laugh. The word has become ingrained in my vocabulary, to the point that I increasingly have to derail my train of thought in the middle of a sentence to avoid splattering the hillsides with some sensitive person. And while it's arguably quite kind of me to show this consideration, the end result is that my train still ends up lying in a smoking heap of foolishness while the person on the tracks points and laughs at my utterly failed sense of direction. It's embarrassing. I so dreadfully dislike derailment. (Hurrah for alliterations! :D)

The problem is that I can't find a worthy substitute. Imagine if there was controversy around the word "ecstatic". Would "pleased" or "excited" do as a substitute? Of course not! I have found no equivalent words for the noun form (with the exception of a certain word involving someone's mom, which I do not feel compelled at all to use). As an adjective, "indomitable" seems to be a close substitute, but it seems pretentious in actual conversation and I'm afraid I might not be pronouncing it correctly. "Bodacious" might also work, but it seems a bit silly in context, and "audacious" is overused. "Intrepid" is another commonly cited adjective, but I'm not sure it carries the same weight. "Insurmountable" does carry a similar weight, but it has different implications.

My most common recovery words include "brilliant" and "awesome", but the overuse has killed any weight they once had. I've considered bringing "frigid" back with some slight alterations. [More specifically, just the other day I mused about the correctness of both the terms "refrigerator" and "frigerator" (the difference being one cools and the other cools again), and the waste of breath it takes to say "I refrigerated it". I thought it would be much more convenient and practical to use "fridge" itself as a verb, as in "I fridged it." That got me thinking about the potential a verb like "fridge" could hold. It's short, concise, rejected by spellcheck when written the past term (and thus "cutting-edge"), solid yet question-provoking, and it bears resemblance to f-substitutes. (And we all know that faux curse words are hilarious.) The pronunciation of "fridged" also strongly resembles that of a quickly spoken "frigid", making it something of a portmanteau of the two words. I'm intrigued by it.] Essentially, both "fridged" and "frigid" as an adjective would refer to something so incredibly cool (pun intended) that you can only appreciate the extent of its awesomeness after the fact. (This definition, of course, draws from the usage of "fridge" in the names of the phenomena "fridge logic" and "fridge brilliance", in which you notice the plot holes or plot genius, respectively, of a movie only after it's over and you've headed to the fridge.) "Fridge" as a noun, therefore, might refer to a person who invokes this reaction -- making a "fridge" essentially a badass. But naming people after kitchen appliances doesn't exactly invoke a sense of awesomeness. So maybe "fridge" refers to the phenomenon itself, and the person who invokes this feeling is instead a "fridger". However, in this case the word seems to resemble certain other words too closely. 'Fridgator", a portmanteau of "fridge" and "matador", could be a viable alternative... but I find the word begins to border the ridiculousness of forced slang at this point. *sigh*

Maybe I should start outsourcing to other languages? Surely one culture out there has a non-offensive term of respect for an incredibly skilled and talented someone? An honorific, maybe? Internet slang? ("Leet"? "Beast"? "The bomb"? Ugh...)

Gah. I sincerely hope my stupid ruminating obsession with words will be alleviated/useful when I start studying linguistics next year...

Experience with a 3-Day Fruit Fast

Song of the day: Breathe Me (Sia)

Broke my first 3-day fruit fast today. Well, fruit feast might be more descriptive. I dearly love fruit. [insert lopsided grin]

What's a fruit fast, you ask? No, I'm not cutting fruit out of my diet. It's like a "real" fast, except I still ate (raw) fruit during the fasting period. Why? Well, I've been wanting to fast for a while now, but I was hesitant to try it because fasting can be dangerous if not done properly. Also, I'm kind of skinny and [cough] I was afraid my parents would think I'm having weight perception issues. Heh.

I saw fruit fasting as a perfect compromise.With a fruit fast, I would be eating during the (longer) fasting period, but fiber is still supposedly easier to digest than fat/protein/etc. And fruit isn't addictive like other forms of food. So I'd still be able to detox, which is when the body dumps toxins acquired through food into the bloodstream for removal It does periodically throughout the month on a small scale, but fasting triggers detoxing in large amounts. I'd also be able to break myself of some food addictions and prove that I have some willpower in me yet.

There are some amazing benefits to proper fasting. Most people report improved mental clarity, a feeling of internal and external "cleanness", increased energy, and better sleeping patterns after ending a fast. While I'm pretty healthy (and haven't experienced any insomnia in a long while, thank goodness), I have been feeling fatigued for tha past months. I've had some major improvement since I started paying more attention to nutritional requirements and excercise (and-- let's face it-- optimism), but I still hoped a fast would increase my energy levels.

My fast was harder than I had expected in some ways and easier than others. My parents were supportive and bought me lots of bananas and oranges (but not apples, because lately the ones we've bought have been going bad within just a few days). Unfortunately, I quickly became bored of the limited selection.

I ate five bananas, four oranges, a can of pineapple, a cupful of frozen blueberries, and a few sips of unsweetened green tea on the first day. ("Yuck!" at the last one-- I'm a true southerner in that aspect.) I tried to hit my daily caloric requirement, but fiber just doesn't pack enough calories. :P Most of the day was uneventful, except that I was literally craving "real" food. Oh, and my dad decided to cook some of the best-smelling porkchops. (I could taste it in the air every time I bit into my orange! Extremely unfair.) Around noon, I was craving fish in particular, but by evening my mental feast switched to pasta. Jogged a bit in the afternoon. I started to develop flu-like symptoms around 8pm: fever, headache, dizziness, general fatigue, and a disgusting white coating on my tongue. That made me happy, since it meant that I was in fact detoxing; I'd started to fear that my fast was a dud. I went to bed relatively earlier at 10pm.

The second day was much harder. Although I no longer craved food, I was very hungry (and bored). I ate four bananas, four oranges, and another can of pineapple. The flu symptoms were gone to be replaced with a general feeling of irritability. It never climaxed to anything significant, but I was certainly ticked with some people. I also became frustrated at the perceived lack of results. Stayed up a while with my sister, then went to bed at midnight and fell asleep within seconds.

Yesterday was hard. I didn't eat until 2pm because I was trying to stretch out my dwindling supplies. My family was stressed when I woke up, which in turn made me extremely moody. I even considered quitting my fast a day early, because of the "poor" results, but Dad encouraged me to keep at it. After a trip to the grocery store with my dad and sis that afternoon, I calmed down and reverted more or less to my usual self. Tomatoes and cucumbers (botanically fruits, though often called vegetables because of their use in savory dishes) helped un-sweeten my palate. [I'd forgotten how amazing tomatoes are, even commercial ones. I'm planning to grow some this year.] Altogether, I think I ate two tomatoes, a cucumber, and three bananas.

So! Today was my first day off the fast. The first noteworthy thing is that I now have heightened senses of smell and taste (though maybe that's all in my head?) as well as a rediscovered appreciation for the pure variety of food. My stomach shrank a bit during the fast, but I don't mind too much. I'm not sure if my weight changed-- it probably did-- but since weight loss was far from my goal, I didn't bother to measure. I'm not moody in the least, and I have no idea if my energy or sleeping habits have been affected. Anyway, I'm not sure if any of these effects are lating, or if there are any more that I've missed, but there you go.

Altogether this was an interesting experiment, though I'm not sure if I'm going to repeat it. I don't want to ruin my love of fruit and I especially don't want to upset my weight. Maybe if I'd taken a week or so beforehand to prepare and slowly wean myself off food, it would have been easier. One plus is that I don't have caffeine addiction, so it wasn't hard to miss my daily cup of coffee. For anyone thinking about taking a fruit fast, make sure you do some basic research first. Everybody's different, and some people (like those with diabetes or liver problems) put themselves at addition risk with these fasts. Anywho. Definitely something to look into.

* * * *

Oh yeah. There was something else I wanted to mention. A while ago, I did some research into recommended diets for people like me who have trich (trichotillomania or "hair pulling" is a disorder similar to OCD). At the time, I'd laughed a bit in ridicule/despair at the items on the list (Eggs? Caffeine? Raisins? Peanut butter?!) and realized I would never be willing to cut those foods out from my diet. However, I grudgingly noticed that while on this fruit fast, I didn't have a single urge to pull. I don't think I never realized what a constant presence trich has been in my life until it was no longer there.  Even when I was moody on the second and third days, I had no urges. It was weird. Liberating.The only time I did experience some slight urges was at the end of the third day... after I had eaten tomato seeds, a "trigger" food. [face palm]

Now I realize that I really am going to have to cut out these food eventually, or else surrender myself to trich... And I'm not sure which I'd prefer.